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How to Get Your Child to Listen To You

• Answer all their questions . Be as quick, candid, and forthright as possible, even if you are uncomfortable. Communicate respectfully to make your child feel important.

• Remember the importance of timing . By asking a question, your child is sending you the message, “I’m ready to listen!” Someday they won’t want your opinion so take advantage of it.

• Don’t play the expert . It is always tempting to know all the answers. In reality, we do not know all the answers; this is one way of conveying that we are not perfect, but human too.

• Allow for disagreement . Sometimes parents worry that allowing children to disagree will undermine their respect. Actually, children feel more respect for parents when they are free to disagree (appropriately). Allowing for disagreement shows them that we are strong enough to be challenges (and big enough to back down if necessary).

• Avoid using sarcasm or ridicule . Humiliating your child is a quick and sometimes permanent way to get him NOT to listen. None of use wants to listen to someone who cuts us down.

• Allow a child to express his feelings . Try to accept the “good” feelings as well as the “bad” feelings, and still think no less of him. Telling them how to feel is sure to shut them down.

• Watch the use of labels. Your perceptions should change from month to month and year to year as your child changes. Sometimes we say things which remain in his or her mind for years to come. A child that we have labeled or judged will find it difficult to listen or “hear” us; they fear being judged even more.

Divorce Facts for Families

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

The following info was submitted by Ms. Hooper and obtained from the AACAP website: http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children's lives.

While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved, and what will happen to them. Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations: Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute. Tell your child together with your spouse.

• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.

100 Ways to Praise a Child

By using a variety of compliments, you will maintain greater credibility and effect when you praise your child. Not only will these expressions enhance your child’s self image, but also the more you use them, the more optimistically you will see your child’s good qualities and achievements.

Why Should I Be A Media-Wise Parent?
Why Should I Monitor My Child’s TV, Computer, and Video Game Time?

Statistics to Think About!
1) 70% of child-care centers use TV during a typical day.

2) In a year, the average child spends 900 hours in school, but 1,023 hours in front of a TV.

3) According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), kids in the United States watch about 4 hours of TV a day

4) Across the three years of the study, nearly 40% of the violent incidents on television are initiated by "good" characters who are likely to be perceived as attractive role models.

5) The long-term negative consequences of violence are portrayed in only 15% of programs, when averaged over the three years.

6) "Bad" characters go unpunished in 40% of programs—violence is glamorized and sanitized..

7) Programs that employ a strong anti-violence theme remain extremely rare, averaging 4% of all violent shows.

8) The average American child will witness 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18

9) Programs on television that contain some violence are virtually unchanged at 61% of all programming.

10) Violence on basic cable and 3 broadcast networks has increased 14%.

11) Premium cable networks consistently contain the highest percentage of programs with violence, averaging 92% since 1994.

Be An Informed Parent: Check out the Following Resources

Internet Sites And Articles:

Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year Olds
March 2005, http://www.kff.org (Kaiser Family Foundation)

“How TV Affects Your Child: Teaching Your Child Good TV Habits”
By Dr. Mary Gavin, M.D.
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html

Entertainment Software Rating Board Ratings for video and computer game content
http://www.ebgames.com/ratings.asp

"The Smart Parent's Guide to Kids' TV"
By Milton Chen, Ph.D., director of the Center for Education and Lifelong Learning, PBS
http://www.aap.org/family/smarttv.htm

FACT SHEET: Television’s Effect on Reading and Academic Achievement
FACT SHEET: Effects of Video Game Playing on Children
Article Entitled, “Media Wise Family Moment,” by Ted Baehr
Article Entitled, “Educating Your Child’s Heart,” by Ted Baehr

Pediatrics, Volume 107 No.6, June 2001
“A Validity Test of Movie, Television, and Video-Game Ratings”
Dr. David Walsh and Dr. Douglas Gentile
http://www.mediafamily.org

Up to date analysis of movies, prime time programs, video games, etc.
http://www.pluggedinonline.com or (Plugged In Magazine)

The Ready to Learn Service on PBS offers more than 40 hours a week of quality educational children's programming without commercials, plus resources for parents and other caregivers on how to use television as a learning tool.
http://www.pbs.org

The Ratings Sham
http://www.parentstv.org

http://www.parentstv.org/PTC/publications/reports/ratingsstudy/exsummary.asp

So You Think You Can Rate A Show?

http://www.parentstv.org/PTC/publications/ratings/2007/0803.asp

Books

Media Wise Family—Dr. Ted Baehr

This information was compiled by Ms. Hooper, School Counselor

Topics For Parents: Helping Your Child Deal With Anxieties

Is it normal for my kindergartener or even my 10 year old to be anxious?

Yes, whenever there are new changes, even the most comfortable and grounded children can get off to a rocky start when it comes to new situations. Your children may also react to stresses within the family such as a divorce, financial difficulties, or an extended illness. All children worry—and remember anxiety can at times be helpful. Some anxiety keeps us agile, “withit,” and at our best; some anxiety can even motivate us.

What are common anxieties for school age children?

The most common anxiety is separation anxiety (an intense fear of being away from a parent). Additionally, some children also face common fears (like a medical appointment, a neighbor’s dog, a tornado, or even a vampire). Sometimes children’s conversations to each other can encourage fears. Unmonitored television and video game exposure can also be a source of anxiety to children. Because children have active imaginations, they can find even imaginary monsters or images extremely frightening. Parents must be vigilant about their children’s exposure to media. Especially under age 7, they can have a great deal of difficulty deciphering between fantasy and reality. Whatever the anxiety, parents can help.

How can a parent help?

• Follow your instincts—of course offer a hug and reassurance.
• Acknowledge the fear—denying the fear may actually feed the problem—there may actually be some realism in his/her fear.
• Talk it out—come up with a plan of action that can reduce the tension.
• Continue to build confidence in his/her abilities to handle the fear.
• Lower your expectations—tired and worn out children have less tolerance for worries and problems. For example, you may need to lighten your schedule and/or your child’s sports’ schedules.
• Use personal stories about your fears. Try the old “imagine the audience in your underwear” trick, or another comical take on the fear.
• Display unconditional love and acceptance while still maintaining boundaries.

If your child is having difficulties with the morning drop off, love him/her as much as possible until the drop off time, but then stick to your guns! Real and helpful love means tough love sometimes.

• Spend time alone with your child each day, even if it’s just 15 min. Give your child undivided attention away from TV, radio, siblings, problems, etc.
• Design a reward system that positively reinforces your child for being able to separate from you without showing emotional distress.

So, when is anxiety a problem that needs attention from a professional?

All children have worries, but when the anxiety becomes debilitating, it is time to seek the help of your pediatrician, a school counselor, and possibly a family counselor or child psychiatrist.

The following are some symptoms which suggest you likely need to seek professional help:

• The anxieties infringe on family life (i.e. the worries interfere with typical family plans and/or activities).
• Your child develops unexplained physical symptoms that seem to occur in conjunction with the anxiety.
• Sleep of the child and/or your sleep is often disrupted because of regular anxieties.
• He or she exhibits compulsive behavior that does not seem controllable.
• Academics or peer relationships are suffering because of the anxieties.
• The problem has lasted for quite some time, and the symptoms seem to be increasingly disturbing.

Written by: Shari Hooper, School Counselor

Information for this article was adapted from the following resources:

The article, “Your Anxious Child,” by Beatrice Motamedi